Month: August 2022

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Sometimes we need to care for the caregiver

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This one is a bit different my friends, not so many funny moments or one liners in this tale.  This one is a just a bit more personal.  No question, mum is my best friend and has been my whole life just like her mum was to her before.  We are close and I’ve been blessed with this wonderful relationship, although I didn’t always appreciate it as I should.  There never was a question if or when the time came to care for her that I would.  I’ve always felt that it was my turn so to speak, she raised me despite or, in the midst of, all life had to throw at her and when she needed me, I’d be here.

Mum and dad both have been remarkably healthy for their entire lives.  I have been too so really, we’ve never had to navigate any real health challenges along the way beside the occasional broken bone or so.  Mum went in for very routine cataract surgery in June of 2019, they typically do one eye and then two weeks later bring the patient back for the other to ensure that there are no complications.  The first eye went as well as expected, she recovered well and we headed back for the second eye at the beginning of July.  In the routine preparation for the surgery that morning, the nurse noticed something a bit off about mum’s heartbeat, it seemed to be irregular she thought.  What followed was a flurry of tests and eventually that day the eye surgery proceeded with the same success as the first.  I have always been so thankful for that nurse and her attention to detail and mum’s care.  I have no doubt she gave me many more years with mum than we would have had if her heart hadn’t been fixed.

We never gave it another thought to be honest for about a month or so and then we got the call to head to Saint John and the cardiac centre there.  Mum needed to have a dye test to see what might be wrong with her heart.  I’ll be honest, that one was a bit of a shock, what do you mean she might have something wrong with her heart.  She doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, was never really overweight and was pretty active as she was still working full time and walked the floors of the hospital daily as the Chaplain.  How could she possibly have something wrong with her heart.  I headed to Dr. Google which is a terrible idea, a little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing, absolutely.  I expected that she might need a stint, no big deal really, a couple of weeks recovery and back to life as we knew it.  What followed was the opposite of no big deal.  She went for her test and they let her know right on the table that she would need quadruple bypass open heart surgery, her heart function was about 38% so not a lot of blood pumping in that case.  I didn’t know what to do with that actually, but in the next breath it was just a yup, we’ll move through this and then back to regular life again.  They expected her to be in surgery within three weeks although that stretched into three months.  

Three months actually was an incredibly long time and mum had to retire, that one hurt her more than anything I think, her heart function just didn’t allow for her to work full time anymore.  We kept waiting for the time to come to head to Saint John.  Dad was working away in the Democratic Republic of the Congo so although very supportive he wasn’t here in person.  The call came one Friday afternoon to let us know that another patient had cancelled for that Monday and if we could come she would finally get in for surgery.  Thankfully there are a few hotels that have hospital rates around that area so I booked and we headed off on our way.  My aunt Andrea happened to be home with us so she came with and was an incredible help along the way.  We expected to be in Saint John for about 5 days.  Just as before, what happened was the opposite of what we expected.  A variety of things followed once we arrived and mum’s surgery was pushed back by almost a week although she spent that time in the hospital.

Mum’s actual surgery went as well as we could have hoped, however the days after were some of the toughest times I have ever lived.  Her recovery was hampered by a terrible reaction to the anesthesia and the pain medications.  She worked so hard to get moving but the pain was significant and a week later she had a stroke.  In true mum form, she was an absolute rockstar and actually saved herself in the midst of her stroke.  So many more obstacles followed and she spent a total of 9 weeks in the hospital, 3 in Saint John and 6 here in Miramichi.  She worked hard every day, to get mobile, to teach herself to walk, eat and get well enough to leave the hospital.  I was amazed by her daily, she was determined and it showed.  Dad was able to get home for Christmas and we spent many a happy moment together including a lavish Christmas turkey diner in the hospital.  Thankfully mum was released to home later in January 2020.  Yup just in time for a global pandemic to hit and shut us all down and leave me very alone with a recovering heart patient. 

That was the beginning of my caregiver journey, totally unexpected and one I thought we would sail through in very short order.  Back to normal in a couple of months was how I planned it, planned being the key word there.  It’s been almost 3 years now and the challenges are always there including another heart surgery just a few months ago, the responsibility is always there and the love I have for her is always there, always.  I have moments of exhaustion both mentally and physically, I have moments of resentment because she isn’t as healthy as she deserves to be and I have moments of profound gratitude that I get to be with her day in and day out to support her and love her as she did me.  I know it looks easy, I work from home, I have a wonderful lady who comes into our house twice a week and I have family that live close by.  The reality is that most days it is far from easy, I work from home, full time which includes meetings, work and responsibility.  I have a wonderful lady who comes in twice a week and I’m so thankful and our family is amazing but they have lives and responsibilities of their own to tend to.  I am for all intents and purposes, completely responsible for her.  Dad is a wonderful help as well but she lives with me full time.  I worry most of the time, that I haven’t done enough for her, that something might happen to her and that the day will come when I’m not able to care for her anymore and keep her safe, that one is the one that plagues my dreams, that I won’t be able to keep her safe. 

I don’t tell you any of this for praise or pity, just an awareness for you, for family and friends that may be living the same.  Sometimes we need to care for the caregiver, I guarantee they won’t ask for the help or the break.  They will just continue on because that’s the only way they know how.  Sometimes all they might need is an ear to listen without judgement because I will bet you they also carry an incredible amount of guilt, guilt because sometimes they wish it wasn’t this hard and that they weren’t the ones who had to shoulder it all despite how much they love their person.  Sometimes they need a night out to take their mind off of whatever may be happening at the moment and sometimes they need a night in, alone, so they can just be, no worry, no responsibility, just anything or nothing that they want to do for an evening.  

I love mum and she loves me, no question, I also am so grateful that I have this time with her no matter how hard it may be at times.  I will always cherish it and I wish you the same, to those out there reading this that are caring for someone close to them.  Please know that I am an ear if you need one, an ear without judgement and an ear to just listen.  I wish you peace in the knowledge that you are a super hero in their lives and a gift that they may never fully appreciate.  Please take some time for you when you can and for those who are not the full time caregiver but know someone who is, remember, sometimes we have to care for the caregiver.  

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Cowboy Kissing Barbie started it all

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It may be 41 degrees here today and Christmas is a long way off both in my head and on the calendar but, some of our family traditions seem to be top of mind today.  Funny what sticks with you and when those memories pop up.  Dad and I have had this tradition for as long as I can remember, in fact, my first memory of it was when I was four years old.  Still to this day, every year, and I mean every year, Dad and I head out on Christmas Eve to choose my Christmas gift.  I’ll take you right back to that first one and the wonder and awe I experienced.  

We had just moved to Montreal from Lahr Germany, I was born there on the Armed Forces base so am considered a Canadian born abroad.  We had moved over the summer, June is posting season for the Military so we had settled into that little crescent in Longueil Quebec.  I had settled in pretty well up until then, had managed to learn a few more French words, I mean  “biscuit” had served me well but I had to evolve.  Of course Mum was our chief Christmas gift shopper but Dad wanted to get in on it too.  That year was born our tradition.  We had this amazing faux fireplace front with our very real Christmas tree surrounded by Mum’s lovingly wrapped gifts, each one of them I know she spent time picking out the right paper and the little tag to go with it.  It’s funny, as I think back now I realize how Mum’s touches and love were what I remember most, not really the gifts over the years.  Anyway back to that Christmas in 1976.  Dad and I were sitting at breakfast that morning talking about Santa, the reindeer and how much snow might fall that night and he says, run get dressed, we have to get mamma a present!  Oh boy was I excited.  Shopping has never been my thing, but the decorations in all of the stores were so pretty especially to a 4 year old in Canada for their first Christmas!  We headed out together, me all bundled up in my snowsuit and feeling fine.  As dad said, we did need to get my mamma a special present, dad also was not a shopper so he like so many men, was a last minute, panic stricken, lets get this done kind of guy.  We picked out the most perfect gift at the time, a very old fashioned phone, just like you see in the black and white movies.  We knew mamma would love it.

So I know you’re wondering how our tradition started from that I’m sure.  Although dad knew mamma had worked hard to make our Christmas a special one, he also knew she had done all the work and he should really put some effort in!  We headed to the toy section at Eaton’s in downtown Montreal.  Oh my, I can’t even describe what it was like to walk into that as a wide eyed 4 year old.  I really just thought we were wandering through.  Dad headed down the middle of the aisle, crouched down and said the most magical words I could ever had heard, “ok Rat, you get to pick one thing, just for you to take home, pick your most favourite thing and we’ll get that”. By the way, I have been little Rat for as long as I can remember, dad was big Rat and still is to this day.  I knew exactly what I wanted, Cowboy Kissing Barbie, yup you read that right, Cowboy Kissing Barbie!  She came with her own hat, fringe satin shirt and cowboy boots.  Imagine all that, but what made her the most amazing was this little button you pushed on her back and she winked and made a kissing sound.  I still can’t wink to this day so you can imagine how impressive that must have been to me all those years ago.  I picked her off the shelf and we headed to the cash, withing a few moments, she was all mine.  The deal was of course that she had to go under the tree until the next morning but just knowing she was there was enough for me.  Shear bliss, I tell ya, shear bliss!! 

We still have that tradition these days, dad and I head out on Christmas eve and shop for mamma and for me. I pick them both out and we wrap hers up and mine goes under the tree.  Dad feels better that way, he knows it’s something we want and he and I get to spend some time together amongst the chaos of the holidays.  It’s funny though over the years, I don’t remember the gifts so much as I do the laughs we had getting them.  I know I’m more fortunate than most, my relationship with both my parents is a wonderful one, built entirely on moments like these ones and I’m thankful for that more than anything they ever could have bought me.

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Forget Hot Girl Summer, it’s all about the Luke Warm Old Lady Summer vibes

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I headed out on what I can only describe as an epic, ok in my mind at least, road trip from Miramichi, New Brunswick to Ottawa, Ontario.  I’m not by nature a long term planner, I tend to be an instant gratification kind of girl so I find it tough to plan out vacations or adventures that far in advance.  In this case though, coming out of Covid, I had been planning this one for quite some time, nearly 10 months.  I should clarify, I had been planning the trip part not necessarily the adventures during the trip part!

I left the Miramichi at 6am on Sunday the 18th of July after a huge weekend of activities, festivals and family time.  I had over packed, like in a really really significant way, over packed.  I was so excited though given that I was setting off on my own with no real adult responsibilities in sight other than keeping myself breathing and enjoying life for 7 days!  Imagine what that feeling might be like, no dogs to let out or feed or entertain, no mamma to worry over, no work to log in for and no council to prep for or  work through.  It was going to be a bit strange and a totally new experience for me.  Don’t get me wrong, of course I’ve taken vacations in the past but these days, my days are a bit full and hold a lot of responsibilities and commitments.  All on purpose of course but from time to time, that desire to disconnect is a strong one.  I had booked my hotels for Quebec City and Ottawa and knew when my high school reunion was but other than that, I had no plans for the day to day.  

The drive itself to Quebec City was a pretty easy breezy one with the sun shining and the playlist on blast.  Oh my, the singing was outstanding, like I’m not quite sure why someone hasn’t signed me to a multi album deal!?!?!??!  I headed for Saint Anne de Beaupre as my first destination.  I had been going there since I was 13 and it always held a special place in my heart.  I’ve often gone in search of solace, peace and if I’m honest a little guidance.  I remember as a child arriving at the site at the end of a dirt road surrounded by trees.  Funny, these days, it’s a pretty large part of a community, little shops all around and all the trappings of a tourist attraction.  The church itself inside still holds that peace and sense of reverence but once outside, it feels very commercial and a whole lot less, well, reverent.  I still loved it and spent quite a bit of time in reflective prayer, still seeking that solace and guidance.  I had passed the Montmorency Falls on my way in and knew I wanted to explore that before I headed to the hotel for the evening.  The falls brought about a whole different kind of calm and awe.  I headed into the park and down in the cable car.  I got a few looks from the attendants when getting my ticket but didn’t think anything of it.  But I realized pretty quickly over the next few days why the looks.  

Its funny how people perceive women who travel alone or I guess maybe it’s the rarity of it that caused a few of the looks and comments along the way.  It happened often actually, the “oh you’re on your own”, “Oh my you’re brave”, “Oh wow, I could never do that”, “That’s amazing, how exciting”.  At first I wasn’t quite sure how to take it but to be honest, I’ve been traveling and heading out to events and experiences on my own for so long I just don’t think of it anymore.  Quite a few of my positions throughout my career have involved a significant amount of travel and all of it on my own.  That was my job or jobs for a period of time so I got very comfy taking care of myself and experiencing things as I wanted to.  Don’t get me wrong, I have wonderful friends and family that I’ve been lucky enough to travel and experience life with but I also have had times that they couldn’t or wouldn’t be able to travel with me.  I decided long ago that I wouldn’t miss out of life just because I didn’t have a life partner by my side.  Don’t get me wrong, I would dearly love that in my life but until I find the right man who wants that as well, I’ll keep heading out on adventures and live out loud as much as possible.  Do the looks or comments bother me, meh sometimes they give me pause, but then I’m like whooohoooo I’m about to zipline across the Ottawa River, Giddy UP, lets go!!!!!

There are a few things I do though to make sure I’m as safe as I can be.  

  1. I book myself into hotels that I’m familiar with either as a chain or location
  2. I share the dates and phone numbers of those hotels with my family
  3. I post a lot on social media but only after I’ve left a spot or experience
  4. I don’t post where I’m heading next
  5. I check in often with family and friends
  6. Keep my cell charged
  7. I gas up frequently so there is less of a chance of running out of gas where I don’t want to 
  8. I try to be quite aware of my surroundings when I’m out and about

These things aren’t the be all and end all but they help!  

The rest of my trip to Ottawa was amazing, dinners out with old friends, ziplining along on the only inter-provincial zipline in the world, a cart ride down a ski hill that was so much fun, running along the Rideau Canal and a multi-year high school reunion that brought back memories and created a few new ones.  

Me venturing out isn’t always about wild experiences, I live my day to day the same way, heading out to a movie, supper, events or experiences.  I’ve done them all on my one as much as I have with family or friends. I don’t want to miss out, that’s the very basic of it, I want to live life in the best way I can.  One of these days, I’ll be lucky enough to find a life partner who wants the same, until I meet that fella, I’ll keep exploring and experiencing all that life has to offer, despite the looks and the comments, cause in the end, all that matters is that I have incredible memories to look back on and I’ve had experiences that bring me joy!