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Sometimes we need to care for the caregiver

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This one is a bit different my friends, not so many funny moments or one liners in this tale.  This one is a just a bit more personal.  No question, mum is my best friend and has been my whole life just like her mum was to her before.  We are close and I’ve been blessed with this wonderful relationship, although I didn’t always appreciate it as I should.  There never was a question if or when the time came to care for her that I would.  I’ve always felt that it was my turn so to speak, she raised me despite or, in the midst of, all life had to throw at her and when she needed me, I’d be here.

Mum and dad both have been remarkably healthy for their entire lives.  I have been too so really, we’ve never had to navigate any real health challenges along the way beside the occasional broken bone or so.  Mum went in for very routine cataract surgery in June of 2019, they typically do one eye and then two weeks later bring the patient back for the other to ensure that there are no complications.  The first eye went as well as expected, she recovered well and we headed back for the second eye at the beginning of July.  In the routine preparation for the surgery that morning, the nurse noticed something a bit off about mum’s heartbeat, it seemed to be irregular she thought.  What followed was a flurry of tests and eventually that day the eye surgery proceeded with the same success as the first.  I have always been so thankful for that nurse and her attention to detail and mum’s care.  I have no doubt she gave me many more years with mum than we would have had if her heart hadn’t been fixed.

We never gave it another thought to be honest for about a month or so and then we got the call to head to Saint John and the cardiac centre there.  Mum needed to have a dye test to see what might be wrong with her heart.  I’ll be honest, that one was a bit of a shock, what do you mean she might have something wrong with her heart.  She doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, was never really overweight and was pretty active as she was still working full time and walked the floors of the hospital daily as the Chaplain.  How could she possibly have something wrong with her heart.  I headed to Dr. Google which is a terrible idea, a little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing, absolutely.  I expected that she might need a stint, no big deal really, a couple of weeks recovery and back to life as we knew it.  What followed was the opposite of no big deal.  She went for her test and they let her know right on the table that she would need quadruple bypass open heart surgery, her heart function was about 38% so not a lot of blood pumping in that case.  I didn’t know what to do with that actually, but in the next breath it was just a yup, we’ll move through this and then back to regular life again.  They expected her to be in surgery within three weeks although that stretched into three months.  

Three months actually was an incredibly long time and mum had to retire, that one hurt her more than anything I think, her heart function just didn’t allow for her to work full time anymore.  We kept waiting for the time to come to head to Saint John.  Dad was working away in the Democratic Republic of the Congo so although very supportive he wasn’t here in person.  The call came one Friday afternoon to let us know that another patient had cancelled for that Monday and if we could come she would finally get in for surgery.  Thankfully there are a few hotels that have hospital rates around that area so I booked and we headed off on our way.  My aunt Andrea happened to be home with us so she came with and was an incredible help along the way.  We expected to be in Saint John for about 5 days.  Just as before, what happened was the opposite of what we expected.  A variety of things followed once we arrived and mum’s surgery was pushed back by almost a week although she spent that time in the hospital.

Mum’s actual surgery went as well as we could have hoped, however the days after were some of the toughest times I have ever lived.  Her recovery was hampered by a terrible reaction to the anesthesia and the pain medications.  She worked so hard to get moving but the pain was significant and a week later she had a stroke.  In true mum form, she was an absolute rockstar and actually saved herself in the midst of her stroke.  So many more obstacles followed and she spent a total of 9 weeks in the hospital, 3 in Saint John and 6 here in Miramichi.  She worked hard every day, to get mobile, to teach herself to walk, eat and get well enough to leave the hospital.  I was amazed by her daily, she was determined and it showed.  Dad was able to get home for Christmas and we spent many a happy moment together including a lavish Christmas turkey diner in the hospital.  Thankfully mum was released to home later in January 2020.  Yup just in time for a global pandemic to hit and shut us all down and leave me very alone with a recovering heart patient. 

That was the beginning of my caregiver journey, totally unexpected and one I thought we would sail through in very short order.  Back to normal in a couple of months was how I planned it, planned being the key word there.  It’s been almost 3 years now and the challenges are always there including another heart surgery just a few months ago, the responsibility is always there and the love I have for her is always there, always.  I have moments of exhaustion both mentally and physically, I have moments of resentment because she isn’t as healthy as she deserves to be and I have moments of profound gratitude that I get to be with her day in and day out to support her and love her as she did me.  I know it looks easy, I work from home, I have a wonderful lady who comes into our house twice a week and I have family that live close by.  The reality is that most days it is far from easy, I work from home, full time which includes meetings, work and responsibility.  I have a wonderful lady who comes in twice a week and I’m so thankful and our family is amazing but they have lives and responsibilities of their own to tend to.  I am for all intents and purposes, completely responsible for her.  Dad is a wonderful help as well but she lives with me full time.  I worry most of the time, that I haven’t done enough for her, that something might happen to her and that the day will come when I’m not able to care for her anymore and keep her safe, that one is the one that plagues my dreams, that I won’t be able to keep her safe. 

I don’t tell you any of this for praise or pity, just an awareness for you, for family and friends that may be living the same.  Sometimes we need to care for the caregiver, I guarantee they won’t ask for the help or the break.  They will just continue on because that’s the only way they know how.  Sometimes all they might need is an ear to listen without judgement because I will bet you they also carry an incredible amount of guilt, guilt because sometimes they wish it wasn’t this hard and that they weren’t the ones who had to shoulder it all despite how much they love their person.  Sometimes they need a night out to take their mind off of whatever may be happening at the moment and sometimes they need a night in, alone, so they can just be, no worry, no responsibility, just anything or nothing that they want to do for an evening.  

I love mum and she loves me, no question, I also am so grateful that I have this time with her no matter how hard it may be at times.  I will always cherish it and I wish you the same, to those out there reading this that are caring for someone close to them.  Please know that I am an ear if you need one, an ear without judgement and an ear to just listen.  I wish you peace in the knowledge that you are a super hero in their lives and a gift that they may never fully appreciate.  Please take some time for you when you can and for those who are not the full time caregiver but know someone who is, remember, sometimes we have to care for the caregiver.  

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Forget Hot Girl Summer, it’s all about the Luke Warm Old Lady Summer vibes

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I headed out on what I can only describe as an epic, ok in my mind at least, road trip from Miramichi, New Brunswick to Ottawa, Ontario.  I’m not by nature a long term planner, I tend to be an instant gratification kind of girl so I find it tough to plan out vacations or adventures that far in advance.  In this case though, coming out of Covid, I had been planning this one for quite some time, nearly 10 months.  I should clarify, I had been planning the trip part not necessarily the adventures during the trip part!

I left the Miramichi at 6am on Sunday the 18th of July after a huge weekend of activities, festivals and family time.  I had over packed, like in a really really significant way, over packed.  I was so excited though given that I was setting off on my own with no real adult responsibilities in sight other than keeping myself breathing and enjoying life for 7 days!  Imagine what that feeling might be like, no dogs to let out or feed or entertain, no mamma to worry over, no work to log in for and no council to prep for or  work through.  It was going to be a bit strange and a totally new experience for me.  Don’t get me wrong, of course I’ve taken vacations in the past but these days, my days are a bit full and hold a lot of responsibilities and commitments.  All on purpose of course but from time to time, that desire to disconnect is a strong one.  I had booked my hotels for Quebec City and Ottawa and knew when my high school reunion was but other than that, I had no plans for the day to day.  

The drive itself to Quebec City was a pretty easy breezy one with the sun shining and the playlist on blast.  Oh my, the singing was outstanding, like I’m not quite sure why someone hasn’t signed me to a multi album deal!?!?!??!  I headed for Saint Anne de Beaupre as my first destination.  I had been going there since I was 13 and it always held a special place in my heart.  I’ve often gone in search of solace, peace and if I’m honest a little guidance.  I remember as a child arriving at the site at the end of a dirt road surrounded by trees.  Funny, these days, it’s a pretty large part of a community, little shops all around and all the trappings of a tourist attraction.  The church itself inside still holds that peace and sense of reverence but once outside, it feels very commercial and a whole lot less, well, reverent.  I still loved it and spent quite a bit of time in reflective prayer, still seeking that solace and guidance.  I had passed the Montmorency Falls on my way in and knew I wanted to explore that before I headed to the hotel for the evening.  The falls brought about a whole different kind of calm and awe.  I headed into the park and down in the cable car.  I got a few looks from the attendants when getting my ticket but didn’t think anything of it.  But I realized pretty quickly over the next few days why the looks.  

Its funny how people perceive women who travel alone or I guess maybe it’s the rarity of it that caused a few of the looks and comments along the way.  It happened often actually, the “oh you’re on your own”, “Oh my you’re brave”, “Oh wow, I could never do that”, “That’s amazing, how exciting”.  At first I wasn’t quite sure how to take it but to be honest, I’ve been traveling and heading out to events and experiences on my own for so long I just don’t think of it anymore.  Quite a few of my positions throughout my career have involved a significant amount of travel and all of it on my own.  That was my job or jobs for a period of time so I got very comfy taking care of myself and experiencing things as I wanted to.  Don’t get me wrong, I have wonderful friends and family that I’ve been lucky enough to travel and experience life with but I also have had times that they couldn’t or wouldn’t be able to travel with me.  I decided long ago that I wouldn’t miss out of life just because I didn’t have a life partner by my side.  Don’t get me wrong, I would dearly love that in my life but until I find the right man who wants that as well, I’ll keep heading out on adventures and live out loud as much as possible.  Do the looks or comments bother me, meh sometimes they give me pause, but then I’m like whooohoooo I’m about to zipline across the Ottawa River, Giddy UP, lets go!!!!!

There are a few things I do though to make sure I’m as safe as I can be.  

  1. I book myself into hotels that I’m familiar with either as a chain or location
  2. I share the dates and phone numbers of those hotels with my family
  3. I post a lot on social media but only after I’ve left a spot or experience
  4. I don’t post where I’m heading next
  5. I check in often with family and friends
  6. Keep my cell charged
  7. I gas up frequently so there is less of a chance of running out of gas where I don’t want to 
  8. I try to be quite aware of my surroundings when I’m out and about

These things aren’t the be all and end all but they help!  

The rest of my trip to Ottawa was amazing, dinners out with old friends, ziplining along on the only inter-provincial zipline in the world, a cart ride down a ski hill that was so much fun, running along the Rideau Canal and a multi-year high school reunion that brought back memories and created a few new ones.  

Me venturing out isn’t always about wild experiences, I live my day to day the same way, heading out to a movie, supper, events or experiences.  I’ve done them all on my one as much as I have with family or friends. I don’t want to miss out, that’s the very basic of it, I want to live life in the best way I can.  One of these days, I’ll be lucky enough to find a life partner who wants the same, until I meet that fella, I’ll keep exploring and experiencing all that life has to offer, despite the looks and the comments, cause in the end, all that matters is that I have incredible memories to look back on and I’ve had experiences that bring me joy!

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Covid to 5 k

/ arsenaultv / Leave a comment

I’ve been away for a while, seems like an eternity to be honest but in actual fact only about 2 months since I last shared my thoughts.  So much has happened but then maybe it’s only that way in my mind.  

I started my journey to wellness on December 31, 2021.  I know I know, you’re thinking why in the heck would you pick that date and not January 1, 2022.  I didn’t want it to be a New Year’s resolution.  It was just a little mind game I started with myself so that it didn’t seem so cliché.  Getting healthier is all about the mind games you play with yourself, really, daily.  It’s the small things, finding what works and what doesn’t and in my case cutting myself some slack this time so I might make it.  Yuppers I said this time because like so many of you, I keep trying, keep trying to work on myself even after giving up a few times.  

I’m an all or nothing kind of girl most of the time.  I decide I’m jumping in and work out 2 or 3 hrs a day and starve myself in some crazy way.  It’s not sustainable in any way, I know that usually when I start but it truly isn’t and I do it anyway.  I needed to think about this differently this time.  I was an incredibly healthy, overweight woman in my late 40’s, but I knew I wasn’t going to stay that way forever and needed a change.  Seems counter intuitive but I really was, I had been to a specialist for some health check ups and the Doctor ran every blood test he could think of because of his specialty and said to me, your blood work is pristine, you are perhaps the healthiest person I’ve had in my office, but at your weight you won’t stay that way forever, so make a decisions.  I started a bit earlier than December to be honest, I started walking last summer after a very long day of volunteering.  I knew then I couldn’t keep up the pace I had set for myself without really focusing on my health in a meaningful way.  I lost 20lbs from July to September and then settled in for the fall. I didn’t lose any more weight but did maintain it by walking a few times a week and watching what I was eating most of the time.  I refocused on December 31 and got to work.  

I had to set new standards for myself, new goals for what success meant.  It couldn’t be an all or nothing this time, but have more markers for success and achievement.  It’s helped me feel like I could do something every day and it didn’t seem so insurmountable.  I was massively successful for 4 months, I felt strong and powerful but not quite with the energy and stamina I had expected.  I started feeling a tickle in my throat March 20.  It went downhill from there.

I went from being able to run a 5k one day to not being able to get down the hallway at home without my legs trembling and weak.  I spent the next 5 weeks struggling to get off the couch or out of bed.  I took 3 days off from work but felt that I couldn’t take any more than that,  not because my employer made me feel that way but my own brain just couldn’t wrap around being as sick as I was.  I stayed in bed as much as I possibly could, would go to a meeting or event when needed and then back home to bed.  I must have tested myself for Covid 19 more than a dozen times but always negative.  I got worse by the day and spent most of that time in tears out of frustration and if I’m really honest just pure exhaustion and weakness.  What a predicament I was in for the first time in my life.  All I could think of how much I wanted to be well to be able to travel in June.  I had blood work near the end of May and it showed that my thyroid was all out of whack, it explained a lot of the exhaustion and weakness thankfully.  I had more tests which landed me with my final diagnosis, Thyroid Flare brought on by severe flu.  Imagine, how could that be possible!!!  My levels started coming down on their own and oh boy did I feel fantastic!  I jumped on a plane for Regina and had a week of feeling on top of the world and back to myself although still not quite strong enough.  

I started the long flight home on that early June Monday.  I felt the tickle in my throat and the soft coughs started mid flight #2.  I had hoped that it was only the combination of the stale airplane air, my mask and being quite tired.  I woke up the next day with the very worst head cold and cough and then sure enough a day later a positive Covid 19 rapid test result.  Ouff, I tell ya, ouff!!  Thankfully I had such a mild case of it, cold and cough for a few days but all in all I managed to get through it much better than I did when I had the flu.  I started to feel better, got back to walking in the morning and watching what I was eating.  The last couple of weeks I’ve felt like myself for the first time in about 8 weeks, the illness that never seemed to end.  I am back to running the 5k I started with in March.  

It’s been a tough road the last couple of months, I’m glad to be back to feeling like myself and have so much more energy than I did.  It seems like my body needed a rest in the worst way, I wish I had listened a bit better but am glad to be listening more these days.   Covid to 5k and beyond and I’m sticking to it!

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A little kindness makes an incredible impact…

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The challenges I went through from 2013 to 2017 were no secret but few know just how badly I was struggling most of the time.  I credit the 2016 WOMEN’s Woman of Influence award with being a turning point in my life.  I truly didn’t understand the impact it would have on me but remember waking up the next morning feeling just a bit better.  I’ve shared my speech below because I don’t think we say thank you enough to the people in our lives that are there no matter how tough life is.  I hope you’ll enjoy a bit of a walk down memory lane with me.

Hello everyone, I don’t typically put words to paper but tonight was such an overwhelming evening I thought it was probably a good idea! I hope you’ll indulge me for a few moments as I have so much to say and not very many opportunities to truly recognise those closest to me. If you’ve laid bets on the length of my speech, start the clock now! I want to thank the Women of Miramichi Entrepreneurial Network for this honour. To President Flora Sharpe and the Board of Directors I am humbled to be counted amongst the recipients tonight and those who have been honoured in the years before us. Thank you for all you do for us and the community, Flora, Samantha and Stephanie your friendship has brightened my world these last few months and I count myself very lucky, I am in awe of you all as you seem to do it all with ease, family, career, community, just like that. I will admit that I don’t see myself as a Woman of Influence. The last few years have been difficult and when you fail so spectacularly and so publicly as I have done it tends to kick you in the shins a bit. But I’ll thank you none the less for the honour as I know there were so many others you could have chosen. I want to congratulate our new mayor, His worship Adam Lordon, I look forward to the amazing things to come in our region as you and council get to work. Thank you to Minister Lisa Harris and Member of Parliament Pat Finnegan for being here tonight, I know how busy your schedules are and I know the recipients this evening are thankful you could attend.
There have been so many women who have had a profound impact on my life. Some of them you don’t know, they were the women who got up every day and got it done. I’d like to take a few moments to thank them now.
To my Grandmother Ada, my dad’s mum, she was a midwife in the 40’s with 7 children of her own at home. She taught me the importance of patience and time. I would visit her when I was a child and she would listen day after day to Super trooper by Abba over and over again. We played crazy eights and gin rummy from morning till night. But really have you ever heard the song “it’s like a supppper troooper dreams are gonna find me, but i won’t feel blue, like i always do, she must have wanted to throw the album in the river after the first 20 times. 
To my grandmother Margery or Margie as she came to be to me in my adult years. She was the essence of elegance and grace. She taught me to whom much is given much is expected and I’ve tried to live that every day. Most don’t know how fiercely loyal and determined she was. Once she stood with you, there was no swaying her. I value my time spent talking to her well into the night in her room.
My family was singularly gifted with outstanding women, I have to admit. To my mother’s sisters, Cynthia has taught me the value in the details, that all the small parts make up one incredible sum. Although she may drive me absolutely insane when we work on a project together because of that incredible attention to detail, time and again the end result is shear brilliance and that is her gift! Andrea has taught me that kindness can come in the most unlikely of packages and to embrace your life and make of it what you want most, she has raised 4 incredible children, all the while being brave as she charted her life far away from home in Alberta. To Judy, it is hard to express how much she has taught me. I wouldn’t have moved home all those years ago had it not been for her passion for our community and her kindness in sharing her gifts with the world, she has been a significant influence on my desire to do all I can for those around me, I’m lucky to count her as a beloved friend. My aunt Beth who taught me that no matter how busy you are, the most important thing you can do is open your doors to friends and family. She has a gift in making you feel like the most cherished of friends when you walk through the door. My “other” aunt Judy who is married to my uncle Robert, her love of family and love of animals is unparalleled. She married into our family and as she always says, we are hers, and she couldn’t be more right. Finally in the spectacularness that are the women in my family, I remember Carmie who left us much too soon. She was quick of wit, loyal to a fault, beautiful and strong. She taught me that, to be strong.
Each day I learn from incredible women around me. Sherry who taught me that no matter what is going on in your life you must make time to be a friend, she cried with me, laughed with me, hugged me until I didn’t feel so broken and loved me when I felt far from being lovable. She helped me through the darkest time in my life and I will forever be grateful. I am with her now as she walks her path. To Cara who has taught me that you have to love someone enough to nag, make sure they are ok, that sometimes you are just destined to be friends with someone, I’m so proud of you and your honour tonight. To Carrie who has taught me that Miracles really do happen, thank you for being the friend you have always been and I am truly honoured to be one of your girlies Godmothers. To Heather who is fiercely loyal, I don’t think she actually understand how lucky I am to have her in my life. To Audrey, your friendship over these last few years has meant so much, you are courageous and giving and our love our Mondays! Stacey, your incredible dedication to animals is something we should all strive to duplicate, thank you being my friend, but most importantly thank you for letting me sing on the air! Clarissa, your determination to see us all succeed gives me home and I strive to be as confident and brave as you seem to me. To two women who have no idea how they’ve impacted me, Paula Foley, her light shines brightest. I feel such love and joy each and every time I see her, her incredible hugs have healed a piece of my shattered heart each time and to Nancy Lordon who taught me that all you need is to love those around you, that its most important. Her hugs too hand a special quality to truly express how much she loved you while she held on a few extra moments. To my fellow Rotarians and I’ll ask you to stand for a moment, these women give so much to our community and live the motto of “service above self” day in and day out. Collectively you couldn’t find a finer group of women, more committed to our region and who get up and get it done every day! To the incredible women here tonight from NBCC, your dedication to our youth inspires me more every day.
Just in case you were wondering, I have incredible men in my life as well. My uncles, Robert, Arthur, Michael and Gerard, like seriously who could ask for better role models and community leaders. Two of them actually save lives on a daily basis and the other two have dedicated their lives to educating our youth and our community. My dad Roger who is literally off saving the world as we speak, I love you pops, I am so proud of who you are. 
I know you are wondering, how could I have left out my mum Jacquelyn. I don’t know how to explain to you all that my mum is in my world. She is the kindest women I know with a wicked sense of humour if you’re lucky enough to hear it. She is brave and strong, stronger that you could ever imagine. She truly doesn’t understand how incredible she is. She has been my guiding light as sappy as that sounds, I hope to grow up to be like her some day, she changes the world, person to person, day by day and to me that is the truest meaning of a super hero. She is my best friend and has taught me that if you just put one foot in front of the other you will get there, it may take you a while but you’ll get there.
I will leave you with this as you’ve all been so kind to listen, Ladies, to all of you in this room and beyond, be fierce in the pursuit of your goals, be fierce in your determination and be fierce in your loyalty to those who really matter. We need you, each and every one of you to stand for your men, stand for your sons, stand for your daughters, stand for your friends and but most importantly stand for yourselves, know that you are changing the world, that’s how powerful you are, seriously you are changing the world, own it, love it, be proud of it for I am proud of you. I know that whatever may come we will face it head on and we will triumph because we can do no other simply by the incredible examples we have in each of you here tonight and across our region. I thank you for this moment in my life, you all have blessed me beyond your ken.

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Stop me before I volunteer again…

/ arsenaultv / 1 Comment

What’s the first image you think of when I say volunteer…yes it was probably the same picture I used to have,  a very kind, retired person, filling their days helping their local church, a friend in need or the area hospital.  I can admit when I was in my teens, the word volunteer never really conjured up anything exciting.  Don’t get me wrong I knew it was a good thing to do but not really something I WANTED to do.  I started volunteering at a young age, my parents taught me very well that it was expected and a way to be kind to my fellow human being.  I taught catechism, was a lector at church and visited the occasional relative in the nursing home.  Boy oh boy I wish I knew then what I know now!  

As I matured, some days more mature than others, I started to get a better idea of what volunteering really meant.  Living in Ottawa for many years gave me the opportunity to see some incredible festivals, events and fundraisers.  All of these fantastic things organized by volunteers.  I started to get a little more involved, helped out a few hours here and there at an occasional charity fundraiser, but living in a city the size of Ottawa, you don’t really feel the impact of being a volunteer.  That all changed for me over the Christmas holidays in 2005.  I was having a difficult year, although my career was taking off, I was struggling to find something meaningful in my personal life.  I came home to the Miramichi to visit my ever supportive family.  

At that time, each year the City of Miramichi chooses an outstanding volunteer or two to honour.  The criteria are quite extensive not the least of which is the volunteer must have been volunteering for fifteen years or more and had a significant impact on the community.  That particular year, my Aunt Judy was to be honoured at the City of Miramichi’s New Year Levee.   I was proud of her, of course, but had no real sense of what that award meant.  My mum and the rest of my family bundled up; set out in the cold and snow and off to the Court House we went to see the ceremony. 

That particular snowy day changed my life.  I listened as Judy spoke about how honoured she was to receive this award. What struck me though were the feelings she described about what volunteering meant to her.  What it had given her in her life, not what she had given but what volunteering had given her.  Judy had been volunteering for more than twenty years in this community and she planned on doing it for another twenty at least.  What I saw and heard that day was the real impact of volunteering on a community, organization or a person in need.  I looked at mum and said “I want to feel that way” Mum looked at me in that way that mums do and said “well then do something about it!”  I moved home to Miramichi six months later to do just that.  

The rest as they say is history.  People often say to me, do you ever say no?  I do, but I try not to, not because I can’t say no, but because I want to be involved.  I have had some incredible once in a lifetime experiences because I volunteer.  Of course there are days I would rather not attend another meeting or plan to plan to plan but I forget all about that once I get going.  The people I have met, the events I have been a part of and happiness that I see in others every day is what keeps me involved.  Volunteering has given me friends, social connections, business networking opportunities, lifelong learning and a feeling of being a part of an incredible community that I couldn’t have gotten any other way.  

There is no other community like the Miramichi.  There are thousands of volunteers in our area that keep our City going. These thousands of volunteers that no one knows about because they go about doing great things for the sake of doing them and not for the recognition that may come.  Theses volunteers work, plan, organize, worry and donate their time for people they won’t ever see or know.  It is my hope to shine a different spotlight on volunteering, give some much deserved recognition to those volunteers out there and to change that image in your head.  I have gotten to work with volunteers of all ages, in organizations that do so much for our community.   Volunteering is something I WANT to do because I love it and because I can.  I try to live every day the way my grandmother Marjorie taught me, “To whom much is given, much is expected!”  

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Love is in the air…

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I joke a lot about dating in my 40’s, it has its moments for sure but it’s also pretty tough.  Learning to navigate the complexities of previous relationships, children, aging parents and not to mention online dating, ouff I tell ya, ouff!!

I had a fairly good handle on dating in my young years.  I had a sense of adventure, an open spirit and if I’m honest, probably more confidence than I had a right to at the time.  I didn’t struggle to find people to hang out with and I think most know I’m rather social in nature so was always out and about.  I met some incredible men and had some wonderful relationships.  I didn’t realize as a young person, the truly free spirit that I approached dating and life in general.  No pressure, no responsibilities, no significant baggage to speak of just new experiences and a sense of fun on each horizon.  

I absolutely have no handle on how to date now in my 40’s. Like truly none!  They are tricky waters to surf at the best of times and I often feel like my little boat is sinking.  I’ve never been married and as my friend’s joke, I sat out the first round, so to speak.  Most people I know have been married and are trying to figure out this next stage of life that includes separation, divorce and what that all might mean in the dating realm.  Although I was engaged once, I never made it down the aisle, but that’s a long, so so long story for another time.  I also don’t have kids, always wanted them but it was never the right time or the right person, I just assumed I’d have them one day or adopt, or both.  That didn’t happen either, but I’ve been blessed to be an auntie over and over again with my friend’s kids.  I have a very full life, love and support and incredible opportunity at every turn.  I have the love of my family and my friends, absolutely, the unconditional kind that most of us long for, but am missing the love of a partner in life.  I have a complete life in all the ways that matter to me, I mean that truly, but do wish for that special someone to share that life with and for me to share in his.  

Online dating is in a world all its own.  I’m awkward enough in person but then you add the unknown of the internet, dating aps and people I don’t know.  I’ve tried it a couple of times, didn’t love it, met a few doozies that made me never want to try it again but also met some lovely gentlemen along the way.   I don’t understand the lingo, oh goodness, I sound ancient even saying lingo…. but I really don’t get it most of the time.  I have to look up the abbreviations and emojis just to figure out what the heck someone might be saying to me.  Who has that kind of energy, ouff!  

I have learned a few things that stuck with me and had my heart broken a couple of times.  I’ve met some wonderful people who I’m lucky to still call friends and I have abundant hope for what’s to come.  A bit of advice I’ve learned the hard way but will share for those trying to navigate it too

  1. Be up front with what you’re looking for – there is nothing wrong with looking for something temporary or long lasting, just let your prospective partner know so they can manage their own expectations.
  2. Be as you as you can be – whether awkward or funny or something in between and all the above, let it all shine so that the right person can fall in love with all that you are
  3. If you want to talk to someone, do it – don’t play coy or wait to text, message, or call back for a certain amount of time, people love to know when they are being thought of
  4. Don’t ghost someone – whether you’ve been out twice or for months or even years, don’t simply disappear.  Difficult conversations are called that for a reason, they are difficult, and they suck in every way, for everyone.  I promise you though, in the long run, you will be doing the person you no longer wish to be involved with a great kindness.  The ghostee is left with so many questions that can’t be answered and ultimately feeling like they are not worthy, valuable, or desirable and that is a sad place to be.
  5. Enjoy it – as much as you can, live in those moments for as long as they last.  

I’m still learning how to do this whole dating in mid-life thing, but I keep trying because deep down, I’m a romantic who loves the idea of love.  Finding that person who is your person and you are theirs, how incredible that seems to me and what a joyous quest to be on.  I wish you all that, love in your lives and to know you’re loved in your best of times and your worst.  I’ll be cheering for you on your own search if you’re single these days or if you’ve found your person, I’m so happy for you for that!  Love is love and I wish that for you, wherever you might be on that journey!

#2022AdventureIsCalling. 

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Our words have power, make sure it’s for good!

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Let’s talk about the power of words for a minute.  We often talk about the power words have to hurt others, especially when talking about bullying,  but we seldom consider the words we use in our own day to day life.  How I use those words and the power I give them, changes how they affect me.

Anxious/nervous:  Anxiety has become the catch all for any time we feel overwhelmed or lose control of our feelings or the situation we find ourselves in.  What I’ve challenged myself to ask is am I feeling anxiety (overwhelming, out of control, debilitating) or am I feeling nervous and appropriately so (butterflies, a bit on edge, excited or a little afraid) Having anxiety can stop me from doing something, being nervous and appropriately so isn’t as much of a barrier and I can overcome it.

Just: Using the word just to open an email or a conversation tends to diminish the message or the sender.  “I’m JUST a…”  We used to use that a lot at work, I’m just an acting Team Lead or acting analyst or acting coach which diminishes the work you’re doing while in that position, rather than owning what you’re doing at that time.  I’m a Senior Manager, I bring value, I’m good at it!

Stress/pressure: Stress for me has become synonymous with events that have the potential to change my life or impact it very negatively.  Owning my own business was a stressful time for me.  Being solely responsible for the income and lives of my team for those years took a toll on me, sleepless nights, worry, anxiety, loss of control.  I have seldom experienced that kind of stress and haven’t since I finally settled all the debts etc from the business.  Pressure on the other hand, I thrive in.  I am at my best when under pressure to perform.  I have pressure in my daily life at work and in my personal life and that is the fuel that pushes me to be better.

Urgent/important:  so many things are labeled urgent when in fact they are most definitely important, they are seldom urgent!

Seriously/personally:  long ago a mentor and one of my first bosses said to me, “when I give you feedback on your performance or an issue I need you to correct, take it seriously but don’t take it personally, we are talking about the job, not your worth as a human being ” and that stuck with me!  Easier said than done at times and some bosses definitely made it personal but as a whole that’s helped me navigate tough situations much better.

These don’t solve it all for sure but they’ve helped me along the way…

#2022AdventureIsCalling #miramichiproud #wordshavepower

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We need to talk more than once a year…Mental Health is health!

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So yesterday was #BellLetsTalk Day and I love that every year there is a Canada wide focus on talking about mental health.  I struggle with the fact that after that, it’s back to being that subject we don’t say much about, hide or make fun of. 

Late in 2014 after a few major setbacks in my life, I developed severe anxiety.  I mean that in every sense of the word, I had lost the drive to be involved, had lost my confidence and was in the midst of a pretty significant depression depression. I was working nights at the Rodd, I’m forever thankful for that opportunity, and I was running a restaurant full time, living on 2-3 hrs of sleep a night if I was lucky.  In January of 2015 I had my first panic attack.  It was a panic attack in the usual sense, the kind you might see as a stereotypical one in the movies, I couldn’t stop crying, couldn’t calm down, mind racing, just pure blind panic.  I was headed to PEI for business meetings and managed to pull it together by the end of the three hour drive. I rubbed a pair of prayer beads in my lap for the entire drive. That was my first one, for the next 10 months I had daily panic attacks, severe and frequent, but those ones weren’t the kind you would see in the movies.  I got really good at hiding them, because you adapt and hide when it comes to mental illness.  I had them everywhere, at work, on our TV show Have a Chat, while I traveled for work, in meetings, out with friends, everywhere.  Very few people in my life knew what I was going through, I didn’t want to burden anyone, they all had their own problems, didn’t want anyone to see how I was struggling, how I had changed, that I wasn’t the same always happy, always optimistic person I had always been or that I was weak and couldn’t cope. That was probably the sticking point for me, that I was weak and just needed to get a grip so to speak.  Mum and dad bore the brunt of my challenges.  I moved to Fredericton for work in March of that year in an attempt to save the restaurant by taking a job that paid enough to get by.

I worked hard to find strategies to get through my attacks, I couldn’t read to calm myself because my mind wouldn’t focus enough although reading has always been probably my favourite pass time. I would play Candy Crush, it was a distraction and I had to focus just enough to make the moves so that was a good thing, I listened to audio books as I drove home from Fredericton each week to work in the restaurant, and I wrote down the things I was grateful for each day, to be honest as I read them now, it was sad but very effective, some days I was just grateful for finding a good parking spot.  I prayed a lot, I spoke to God every chance I got but I also struggled in my faith, I didn’t understand what I had done to make my life spiral so far out of my control or in my mind, be punished in this horrible way. 

After those initial 10 months, my attacks became less frequent, always severe but not as often.  Here we are 7 years later, I haven’t had a panic attack in at least 3 or 4 years.  I know what my triggers are and mitigate them as quickly as I can when I see them coming.  It sounds easy but it really isn’t, it takes work and focus.  Those attacks also taught me a lot, I can see that now, although I didn’t at the time.  I am stronger, more decisive, more empathetic and kind to those around me.  It’s made me a better leader, I consider all angles before I make a decision even when a quick decision is needed.  I can much more easily meet people where they are rather than where I want/expect them to be which helps me build those bridges needed to get things done.  That time also humbled me in so many ways, I’m still happy and optimistic but realize that life is tough and we’re all doing the best we can. 

Why do I share, I’m sure you’re wondering, we need to talk to each other more than once a year, we need leaders who aren’t afraid to be open and honest so others can be too.  Just know you have an ear if you need it.  Everyone has something going on, it doesn’t make you less, it just makes you you.  #BeBetter #MentalHealth #YellowButtonProject #MiramichiProud #2022AdventureIsCalling

Her beauty was just the beginning – Marjorie Eleanor Losier

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“To Whom much is given, much is expected“ my stunning grandmother Marjorie Eleanor Heffernan Losier lived her life by that belief.  She was born in Edmonton, Alberta, January 13, 1922.  What a time that must have been. She was the middle child of 3 siblings, her older sister Marie and her younger brother Jack.  Marjorie or Margie as later we called her was probably the typical middle child, a bit rebellious and marched to the beat of her own drum all the while knowing exactly how to charm anyone she encountered.  She met a dashing doctor when she was just 18!  Imagine that, I have no doubt my grandfather took one look at this incredible beauty and fell completely in love in that moment, he was almost 30 years old at the time!

She moved across the country with two small children to a town where she knew no one!  Although Chatham and later Miramichi as a whole became her home, she had to forge her way in a time that didn’t have those connection conveniences we take for granted these days.  She left her entire family back in Edmonton, never quite sure when she might see them again.  It wasn’t so easy or affordable back then to see or even call when the whim might take her.  She truly must have felt quite alone.  She lost her sister and brother at young ages, both of them.  Her will of steel was evident to all who knew her.  Once she made up her mind, she stood by that!  She and my grandfather Percy went on to have 5 more children here in Miramichi.  I think most know of our four generations of doctors in the family, it’s hard to imagine a better example of a family calling!  What most don’t know however, is the remaining siblings all became teachers, they led by example and influenced generations of children in their care.  They are a family of community servants who have never stopped giving back.  

Margie lived a life of quiet leadership for the most part, she let her example be her voice. She raised seven incredible children who enhanced the lives of those around them each in their own way.  None of them, though, could have done that without her, she supported, cajoled and guided them all throughout their lives so that they could be the best version of themselves possible.  She was a constant sounding board and ear for all that sought her out.  Given the time in our history it was quite remarkable really that she ensured all of her children not only went to University but excelled in their chosen careers. 

She was stunningly beautiful, glamourous in what she wore and never a hair out of place.  I can still hear her coming down the hall in her high heels, she was never ever, and I mean never without a pair of heels on, even in her nightie!  Did I mention that grandpa was 5ft 2in and she was already 5ft 6in bare feet, it didn’t matter, she was happiest in heels and she wore them with grace!  She was the kind of woman that when you saw her in the grocery store or at church, you just stared because she had such a presence about her and a gift for connecting with those around her.  

We lost my grandfather quite a few years ago in 1983, he was 72 years old.  Grandma was still a relatively young woman at that time.  She continued on without him, here in the town that had become her home.  

She was a defining influence on my life and I’ve tried to live up to her example every day.  We lost Margie January 14, 2009, the day after her 87th birthday.  There is so much more I could say about her, her quick wit, her thirst for knowledge and love of playing bridge and Scrabble just to name a few but that still wouldn’t cover as much as she deserves.  Today would have been her 100th birthday, we always had a celebration, this year I’m thinking back to the wonderful things she did with her life all the while being the best dressed in the room!

#2022AdventureIsCalling