This one is a bit different my friends, not so many funny moments or one liners in this tale.  This one is a just a bit more personal.  No question, mum is my best friend and has been my whole life just like her mum was to her before.  We are close and I’ve been blessed with this wonderful relationship, although I didn’t always appreciate it as I should.  There never was a question if or when the time came to care for her that I would.  I’ve always felt that it was my turn so to speak, she raised me despite or, in the midst of, all life had to throw at her and when she needed me, I’d be here.

Mum and dad both have been remarkably healthy for their entire lives.  I have been too so really, we’ve never had to navigate any real health challenges along the way beside the occasional broken bone or so.  Mum went in for very routine cataract surgery in June of 2019, they typically do one eye and then two weeks later bring the patient back for the other to ensure that there are no complications.  The first eye went as well as expected, she recovered well and we headed back for the second eye at the beginning of July.  In the routine preparation for the surgery that morning, the nurse noticed something a bit off about mum’s heartbeat, it seemed to be irregular she thought.  What followed was a flurry of tests and eventually that day the eye surgery proceeded with the same success as the first.  I have always been so thankful for that nurse and her attention to detail and mum’s care.  I have no doubt she gave me many more years with mum than we would have had if her heart hadn’t been fixed.

We never gave it another thought to be honest for about a month or so and then we got the call to head to Saint John and the cardiac centre there.  Mum needed to have a dye test to see what might be wrong with her heart.  I’ll be honest, that one was a bit of a shock, what do you mean she might have something wrong with her heart.  She doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, was never really overweight and was pretty active as she was still working full time and walked the floors of the hospital daily as the Chaplain.  How could she possibly have something wrong with her heart.  I headed to Dr. Google which is a terrible idea, a little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing, absolutely.  I expected that she might need a stint, no big deal really, a couple of weeks recovery and back to life as we knew it.  What followed was the opposite of no big deal.  She went for her test and they let her know right on the table that she would need quadruple bypass open heart surgery, her heart function was about 38% so not a lot of blood pumping in that case.  I didn’t know what to do with that actually, but in the next breath it was just a yup, we’ll move through this and then back to regular life again.  They expected her to be in surgery within three weeks although that stretched into three months.  

Three months actually was an incredibly long time and mum had to retire, that one hurt her more than anything I think, her heart function just didn’t allow for her to work full time anymore.  We kept waiting for the time to come to head to Saint John.  Dad was working away in the Democratic Republic of the Congo so although very supportive he wasn’t here in person.  The call came one Friday afternoon to let us know that another patient had cancelled for that Monday and if we could come she would finally get in for surgery.  Thankfully there are a few hotels that have hospital rates around that area so I booked and we headed off on our way.  My aunt Andrea happened to be home with us so she came with and was an incredible help along the way.  We expected to be in Saint John for about 5 days.  Just as before, what happened was the opposite of what we expected.  A variety of things followed once we arrived and mum’s surgery was pushed back by almost a week although she spent that time in the hospital.

Mum’s actual surgery went as well as we could have hoped, however the days after were some of the toughest times I have ever lived.  Her recovery was hampered by a terrible reaction to the anesthesia and the pain medications.  She worked so hard to get moving but the pain was significant and a week later she had a stroke.  In true mum form, she was an absolute rockstar and actually saved herself in the midst of her stroke.  So many more obstacles followed and she spent a total of 9 weeks in the hospital, 3 in Saint John and 6 here in Miramichi.  She worked hard every day, to get mobile, to teach herself to walk, eat and get well enough to leave the hospital.  I was amazed by her daily, she was determined and it showed.  Dad was able to get home for Christmas and we spent many a happy moment together including a lavish Christmas turkey diner in the hospital.  Thankfully mum was released to home later in January 2020.  Yup just in time for a global pandemic to hit and shut us all down and leave me very alone with a recovering heart patient. 

That was the beginning of my caregiver journey, totally unexpected and one I thought we would sail through in very short order.  Back to normal in a couple of months was how I planned it, planned being the key word there.  It’s been almost 3 years now and the challenges are always there including another heart surgery just a few months ago, the responsibility is always there and the love I have for her is always there, always.  I have moments of exhaustion both mentally and physically, I have moments of resentment because she isn’t as healthy as she deserves to be and I have moments of profound gratitude that I get to be with her day in and day out to support her and love her as she did me.  I know it looks easy, I work from home, I have a wonderful lady who comes into our house twice a week and I have family that live close by.  The reality is that most days it is far from easy, I work from home, full time which includes meetings, work and responsibility.  I have a wonderful lady who comes in twice a week and I’m so thankful and our family is amazing but they have lives and responsibilities of their own to tend to.  I am for all intents and purposes, completely responsible for her.  Dad is a wonderful help as well but she lives with me full time.  I worry most of the time, that I haven’t done enough for her, that something might happen to her and that the day will come when I’m not able to care for her anymore and keep her safe, that one is the one that plagues my dreams, that I won’t be able to keep her safe. 

I don’t tell you any of this for praise or pity, just an awareness for you, for family and friends that may be living the same.  Sometimes we need to care for the caregiver, I guarantee they won’t ask for the help or the break.  They will just continue on because that’s the only way they know how.  Sometimes all they might need is an ear to listen without judgement because I will bet you they also carry an incredible amount of guilt, guilt because sometimes they wish it wasn’t this hard and that they weren’t the ones who had to shoulder it all despite how much they love their person.  Sometimes they need a night out to take their mind off of whatever may be happening at the moment and sometimes they need a night in, alone, so they can just be, no worry, no responsibility, just anything or nothing that they want to do for an evening.  

I love mum and she loves me, no question, I also am so grateful that I have this time with her no matter how hard it may be at times.  I will always cherish it and I wish you the same, to those out there reading this that are caring for someone close to them.  Please know that I am an ear if you need one, an ear without judgement and an ear to just listen.  I wish you peace in the knowledge that you are a super hero in their lives and a gift that they may never fully appreciate.  Please take some time for you when you can and for those who are not the full time caregiver but know someone who is, remember, sometimes we have to care for the caregiver.