So yesterday was #BellLetsTalk Day and I love that every year there is a Canada wide focus on talking about mental health.  I struggle with the fact that after that, it’s back to being that subject we don’t say much about, hide or make fun of. 

Late in 2014 after a few major setbacks in my life, I developed severe anxiety.  I mean that in every sense of the word, I had lost the drive to be involved, had lost my confidence and was in the midst of a pretty significant depression depression. I was working nights at the Rodd, I’m forever thankful for that opportunity, and I was running a restaurant full time, living on 2-3 hrs of sleep a night if I was lucky.  In January of 2015 I had my first panic attack.  It was a panic attack in the usual sense, the kind you might see as a stereotypical one in the movies, I couldn’t stop crying, couldn’t calm down, mind racing, just pure blind panic.  I was headed to PEI for business meetings and managed to pull it together by the end of the three hour drive. I rubbed a pair of prayer beads in my lap for the entire drive. That was my first one, for the next 10 months I had daily panic attacks, severe and frequent, but those ones weren’t the kind you would see in the movies.  I got really good at hiding them, because you adapt and hide when it comes to mental illness.  I had them everywhere, at work, on our TV show Have a Chat, while I traveled for work, in meetings, out with friends, everywhere.  Very few people in my life knew what I was going through, I didn’t want to burden anyone, they all had their own problems, didn’t want anyone to see how I was struggling, how I had changed, that I wasn’t the same always happy, always optimistic person I had always been or that I was weak and couldn’t cope. That was probably the sticking point for me, that I was weak and just needed to get a grip so to speak.  Mum and dad bore the brunt of my challenges.  I moved to Fredericton for work in March of that year in an attempt to save the restaurant by taking a job that paid enough to get by.

I worked hard to find strategies to get through my attacks, I couldn’t read to calm myself because my mind wouldn’t focus enough although reading has always been probably my favourite pass time. I would play Candy Crush, it was a distraction and I had to focus just enough to make the moves so that was a good thing, I listened to audio books as I drove home from Fredericton each week to work in the restaurant, and I wrote down the things I was grateful for each day, to be honest as I read them now, it was sad but very effective, some days I was just grateful for finding a good parking spot.  I prayed a lot, I spoke to God every chance I got but I also struggled in my faith, I didn’t understand what I had done to make my life spiral so far out of my control or in my mind, be punished in this horrible way. 

After those initial 10 months, my attacks became less frequent, always severe but not as often.  Here we are 7 years later, I haven’t had a panic attack in at least 3 or 4 years.  I know what my triggers are and mitigate them as quickly as I can when I see them coming.  It sounds easy but it really isn’t, it takes work and focus.  Those attacks also taught me a lot, I can see that now, although I didn’t at the time.  I am stronger, more decisive, more empathetic and kind to those around me.  It’s made me a better leader, I consider all angles before I make a decision even when a quick decision is needed.  I can much more easily meet people where they are rather than where I want/expect them to be which helps me build those bridges needed to get things done.  That time also humbled me in so many ways, I’m still happy and optimistic but realize that life is tough and we’re all doing the best we can. 

Why do I share, I’m sure you’re wondering, we need to talk to each other more than once a year, we need leaders who aren’t afraid to be open and honest so others can be too.  Just know you have an ear if you need it.  Everyone has something going on, it doesn’t make you less, it just makes you you.  #BeBetter #MentalHealth #YellowButtonProject #MiramichiProud #2022AdventureIsCalling